Charles Duhigg is a Pulitzer Prize-winning writer who wrote the book Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection to learn why some people are great at connecting with anyone they encounter. Some people have the ability to connect with everyone, and while he once thought people were born this way, Charles says he has learned anyone can become a Supercommunicator by learning and practicing a set of skills that unlocks their ability to not only communicate with but connect with anyone.
THE MATCHING PRINCIPLE
Charles says there are three types of conversations, practical, emotional, and social, and for us to really hear and connect with each other, we need to be having the same kind of conversation at the same moment.
Charles says we can accomplish this and get aligned by paying attention and asking key questions. We often go into conversations thinking about ourselves, what we want to say, and what we want to get out of it and get across without thinking about the other person, what they want to say, and what they want to get out of the conversation. If you aren’t in alignment, meet them where they are by saying, “Let’s start with your goal,” or, “What do you hope to get out of this?”
DIFFERENT CULTURES
When asked if these concepts are universal across all cultures, Charles says yes, but each culture has different habits. Some cultures are more individualistic, while others are more collectivist. Some cultures are more aggressive while others are more passive.
Every culture has the same basic rules but they get expressed in different ways. Connection is connection, and the key is learning what the cultural rules are so you can avoid the land mines and barriers to connection.
ASK QUESTIONS
Supercommunicators bring their full, authentic selves to every conversation and they create space for others to do the same by asking a lot of questions, especially deep questions about values, beliefs, and experiences.
Connections happen through reciprocal authenticity - when a deep question is asked authentically, and when it is answered authentically. Asking questions like, “What are you passionate about?” “How do you see the world?” or, “What do you love most about your job?” are ways to help people bring their full selves to conversations.
When Charles was asked why we don’t do this more often, he says too often, we are too focused on our goals to take a break. But he says Supercommunicators pause and ask teammates what their goals are because they already know their own and because they know how important it is. They create dialogues instead of monologues where we just wait for our turn to speak.
BEATING ANXIETY
Charles also says we let anxiety get in the way. One of the most anxiety-producing things you can ask someone to do is have a conversation with a stranger, but in a Harvard study, professors told them to take 10 seconds and write down 3 topics they can talk about and stick it in their pocket, and the fact that people have something in their back pocket to talk about, they feel more confident. In fact, they found those topics almost never came up.
The people who succeed in life are the best communicators. The single most important thing that determines the success of managers and leaders are their ability to communicate.
HOW DO I BECOME A SUPERCOMMUNICATOR?
1 - Ask Better Questions
Instead of asking people about the facts of their lives, ask them how they feel about their lives. Give people a chance to share who they really are by asking questions like, “What do you love most about where you live?” instead of just asking them where they live. Go beyond the what and into the why.
2 - Prove That You’re Listening
Instead of waiting for your turn to speak, actively listen. The way you prove that you are listening is by what you do after they stop talking. Charles says to do this by Looping For Understanding. When you are having a difficult conversation, ask the question then repeat back in your own words what you heard them say, and then ask if you got it right.
Say, “Here’s what I heard you say,” or; “Tell me if I got this right.” When we prove we are listening, they are more likely to actively listen to us.
3 - Invest in Connections
One of the most famous studies ever is the Harvard Study of Adult Development. For almost 100 years, Harvard has been studying over 1,000s people while trying to figure out what makes people healthiest, happiest, and feel mist successful at 65-years old, and they say the single most important thing is having healthy connections at 45-years old. Having meaningful connections with other people makes us happy and satisfied.
Create time to cultivate, build, and nurture connections. It’s important and makes a big difference.
Anyone can be a Supercommunicator in any language if you are curious, ask questions, actively listen, and show people you care.
SOMETHING(s) TO THINK ABOUT
1 - What is your biggest takeaway?
2 - Who is the best communicator you know, and what makes them such a great communicator?
3 - What is one thing that gets in the way of effective communication?
4 - What can you do to overcome those barriers so you can become a Supercommunicator who builds connections with everyone?
For a printable PDF version of this post, click here: How to Be a Supercommunicator
Click here for a podcast featuring Charles Duhigg: AEE 2183: Charles Duhigg on 3 Ways to Be a Supercommunicator
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